Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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