i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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