Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
