Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
