Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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