: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
