saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
