Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Text me some of your sweat
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
