I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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