it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
