She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
