Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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