I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
