Don't make out with my wife yet
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
