ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
