I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
