I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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