6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
