so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
