My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
