just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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