Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
