people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
