I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
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