Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's shark week go big or go home
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
