You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
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