When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
