Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
