she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
