I wish they made helmets for livers.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
