i wish starbucks made bloody marys
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
