One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
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