He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
