Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
