If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
