Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
