idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her heβs got a huge D too?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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