dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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