Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
