How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
