it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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