worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
That accounts for only three of the penises
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
