she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
