i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
