Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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