Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
