My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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