mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
