we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
