I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Randomize
