3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
