Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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