man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
