genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
